The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
hackers play passwordle
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*