New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
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Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.