Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
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After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
This is Sparta
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
#Caturday
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.