Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
File under excellent bookstore names.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
at ease…shoulder.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.