Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
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HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
A new level of troll.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
yeah 😭
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
When you kidnap a writer.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.