My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
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[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.