me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
You Might Also Like
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten