I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
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Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.