I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
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Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
“no gods no masters” = leo
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?