Damn he played himself
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I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
nature’s most graceful animal
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
john wicks are toilet candles
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*