Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
the icebreaker
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.