It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.