I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
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People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.