Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
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[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Most fashion shows these days…
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?