Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
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I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time