Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
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I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Lol.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?