Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
You Might Also Like
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you