those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”