“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.