What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.