Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!