Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
HOW DARE YOU
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird