[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
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Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg