Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.