5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
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Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
They must have gotten it to go.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals