[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
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Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Not my job 😂
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*