In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
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That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?