Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
You Might Also Like
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot