“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
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me
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
A bold strategy
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
who will stop them
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.