50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
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If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point