Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
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This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?