im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
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With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.