ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall