Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.