I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
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As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Chemical wingman
This is sending me to another galaxy
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”