Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Huge, if true.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.