[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”