How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
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Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.