earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
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Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
We all have our pet causes.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.