Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
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Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.