If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
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I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
accurate
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.