When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
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so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
A small tragedy.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.