Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
You Might Also Like
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.