Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
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whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I was just discussing this with my cat
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
That’s incredible! 👌
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
need him
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…