6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Real House Wines.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
This was my dad’s browser history.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.