me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
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“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?