when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son