OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
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gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
my first day as a raccoon
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.