Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.