One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.